Blogging

To my friends who read this:

I'm sorry I don't read y'alls blog more often ( I know y'alls ain't a word, just go with me I'm being sincere). My excuses are the following:

1.) I have a terrible memory. I really do forget about this website.

2.) My computer sucks. hard. I haven't been able to get the Internet for quite some time.

3.) I get bogged down with school and I don't have time.

4.) For reals, I forget.

I know those aren't good excuses. I want to know what's going on in the lives of my friends.

I think the main reason I don't read the blogs other than the previous ones I proviede is because....well.... I have a hard time opening up. I mean, I tell people what's going on in my life

but I don't articulate my feeling very well. Things make sense in my head but sometimes when I try vocalize my thoughts I don't say them correctly. They get lost in translation or interpreted wrong. I don't know. Intimacy of all levels is difficult for me. I rememer when I was in Argentina (which I still haven't blogged about) my friend drew a picture of my eye and in order to do that he had to look directly into my eye for like two hours. It freaked me out more than I let on because looking into someone's eyes is so....penetrating and awkward. It's so intimate. It's like people are looking into my head and picking apart all my thoughts and feelings. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm kinda afraid of people really seeing me, partly because I don'teven know who I am yet. I'm working on it in more ways than one. So again, I'm sorry for not blogging and stuff. I really do love you guys.

J.

I try not to be a complicated person. I try to be simple and keep my head on straight. It seems like the more I try the harder it gets to be a rational person. I don't want my life to be totally void of emotions but I don't want them to affect my decisions. They're good in a way, God gave them to us for a reason, right? Finding the balance is key of course, but that's easier said than done. I guess I just wanted to say that.

Blog of a Confused Black Woman

K.... I supposed to be writing about something. I have a hard time collecting my thoughts into coherrent sentences. Maybe if I sit here long enough I'll think of something.......oh ok here we go.

I'm black. I don't know how many of you noticed. There are some people in this world who think white people act a certain way and latino people act a certain way and black people act yet another way. I think I've encountered many of those people (chuckle). I've been called everything from "different" to "oreo" to "white-washed" whatever that means. Why can't I just be Janai? I've spent my whole life trying to avoid the "black" stereotype. Why? So I could fit in? So I would be seen as smart and be liked by people who defined worth by skin color? Shame on me. Don't get me wrong - I love the person I am today. I love baseball, biology, and Pearl Jam. But the fact that I was pretty much ridiculed by so called friends and even my family for liking those things has made me very uneasy and angry. Sometimes my friends in high school would start a sentence with "Well, since you're black..." and I knew I was in trouble. I am not just talking about how blacks are stereotyped. I see how all people are put into categories and it really sucks. Everyone is guilty of it, including me. As children of God I think our first priority is to love Him and each other before we start worriying about anything else. I'm certain if He is our focus we won't worry about these things. I love where I have come from and I am awed at what my ancestors went through. I never want to forget it but for cryin out loud its the 21st century. I hate that people will read this and think they can't joke with me any more about racial things. I hate that I can get so defensive about this subject because I want to be seen as a person before I am seen as black. Maybe I'm over-analyzing things and maybe I'm too sensitve about it. I don't know. I am not a victim and I don't want to be seen as one. I just want to love and respect and be loved and respected without worrying about how much melanin is in the stratum basale of the epidermis (sorry its two years of anatomy and physiology coming out). But really let's move on.....I have spoken.... : /

Bananas

So some of you may be wondering about my obsession with bananas lately. I'm not obsessed with them per se, they just make very good comedic props. What's funnier than a banana monster rat? I submit that nothing is. You see I have this friend, that can make anything into a piece of art. It's amazing! I wish I was that talented. I hope she knows how talented and way cool she is. Anyway she made a banana monster rat picture that was hilarious. And now I really like bananas. They have a lot of potassium which is also cool.
Done and done.

K so I had a really awkward conversation with my girlfriends tonight at dinner. It was all about body parts and the things women go through every month lol. It was in a good, informational, therapeutic way. I guess we always have awkward conversations. Maybe awkward is a bad word to describe them. It has a negative connotation. I guess I should say unusual. I really like that I can be open and honest with them.  They're great friends......yep..... 

My first blog

Hi. This is my very first blog. I have no idea what to say which is why I didn't want to get a blog in the first place, but I was bullied by friends so here I am.......blogging............about nothing.
So......good day!